Bottle Feeding instead of Breast: Conflicted

Today was the first time I have been out and about and had to feed baby from a bottle.

And I was surprised at the emotions this evoked in me. Conflict, confusion, awkwardness and briefly, shame, even. 

Shame?

Having breastfeed baby since birth, I'd gotten used to whipping out my boob in public (discretely, not 'in your face' exhibitionistically :)) to feed baby. 

So what was I doing here in the hallway outside the waiting room at Magee Women's Hospital, slouching around and sneaking Meili her bottle? I'd never give a second thought to pulling a boob out. It felt natural. The bottle doesn't. 

After a while I realized I felt silly. I processed my myriad emotions. I'm proud to be able to feed baby. So what if its formula? Maybe I feared some militant breastfeeding person would yell at me. Maybe I feared putting myself in a position to be judged. Why would I, when I would never judge another mom who wasn't breastfeeding? 

I guess I felt all this because feeding Meili like this is so far from what I had envisioned in my breastfeeding journey. (And no, my breastfeeding journey has not ended yet). 

Anyway, I took a breath and stepped back into the waiting room and sat down with the other ladies there. 

And all I received were compliments on how precious my baby is. 

I love you baby girl don't you forget that.